crafty,

My sister and I are pushing for a crafty weekend, starting with buying some fabric at joann's and sewing up McCall's 6327 for her and some maternity tops for me. I've also found the wooly wonder website's yardage posts and a lot of the yarn spin should be enough for newborn to 0-3 wool covers. I got to get that started.

so I'm gonna get sewing soon!

stubborn? heck yes.

its semi-semi- official that paul won't be able to make it to the birth. I've already set a network of helpers which I know I will be ok between them and my dad... but I am REALLY hesitant to ask my mom or paul's mom. am I stubborn? yes. should I just 'bow down' to their will and let them help? maybe... maybe not.

this was a huge factor in why I decided to homebirth. I need a better chance at a quicker recovery and to get back on my feet. not that its a 100% sure thing, but I'm hoping having a more natural birth will help me get back on my feet quicker so I don't have to deal with 'help'.

not to mention that I really want to get breastfeeding to a good start this time and people just stress me out. I'm a I can do this myself type of girl. am I scared that I can't? maybe. I've never had a toddler and a newborn....

good groove and good fiber.

it's taken a month a d a half but I think I am more in the groove now. I am eating out less (once a day now as opposed to twice a day which I am trying to cut it down to three times a week now).

I've been making a lot of yarn and I need to start knitting/crocheting! :) I am also debating getting a jumbo flyer. I'm finding that I like navajo plying. I plied the yarn paul got me from alaska in to a 3 ply and i LOVE it. I have no clue what I'll make out of it though. I also have 4 oz of teal and purple merino to spin in to 2 ply DK. I'm debating whether to add the purple to the gray/cranberry to make a soaker and use the teal for a headband... or to use the teal for the soaker. I'll see how I feel.

I need to get working. ;D

peace.

for a while I've been a peace with myself and I really love it. I thought I would share this little bit that I commented on my friend's facebook regarding her decision to curtail breastfeeding and go back to work.

you can scour the intewebs for all the information you want, but the only person you truly need to be at peace is with yourself. I am peace with myself right now and its a better place than being at peace at an LLL meeting, being at peace on an AP forum, or at peace because I'm surrounded by friends who support me. yea, so I nurse my 27 month old *gasp* not because an article says its beneficial, nor do I second guess myself because someone comments about how I would probably be nursing him till college. I do it because its a pain in the ass to get him to sleep otherwise.

its true. for a while now I've just been fed up with all the mom wars. a few months of that was enough for me. I really love where I am at mothering wise and I don't need anyone to bash me in to this small little existence just because they don't agree with me. personally through, I am a breastfeeding advocate, a babywearing advocate, and cloth diapering advocate... but above all that I think I'm a inner peace advocate. I advocate these things not because its the right or wrong thing to do, but because it's been right for me and someone else could feel the same way about it but not know anything about it... after all I was in the same situation. well, I grew up watching my brother and sisters being breastfed, but my good friend jenny introduced me to babywearing and cloth diapering. I am so glad she did. then she told me about AP and with my views on breastfeeding, that came together.

I have more friends now cloth diapering than not... and a few more on the way. how cool is that! people ask me about babywearing when they see me out at the dog park. yea! I love it.

I hope all the mamas out there find this inner peace I've achieved. It was a bumpy road... starting with the whole circumcision fiasco with my husband, needing to supplement when jake was 2 weeks old, to accepting that I wouldn't really be able to feed him 100% organic like I wanted, to the issues about feeding him sweets while I stuffed my face with goodies (LOL). I'm definitely not mothering like I had envisioned, but I think thats what it was... a vision... now I am truly the mother i was MEANT to be!!! YAY!!!!!!

culture gap.

my husband is fourth generation japanese and I happen to be second generation.... and its becoming apparent on our name choices for the little girl. a lot of japanese americans who have been here since the early 1900s love old classic japanese names like emiko, sachiko, sachie, etc.

I just don't like antiquated Japanese names... also growing up with a japanese name that no one could pronounce, a japanese name that can easily be said in english is also important to me... but paul's choices are nothing but!

some of his choices are:

tomoe
akane

my choices are:

erina
arisa

erina kate is at the top of the list. what also kills me is that it seems like everyone likes it (japanese and american friends) except my own husband. I hope we can get this figured out. I'm gonna go look at some books on japanese names soon to come up with a classic with a new twist.

worries.

now that the anticipation has worn away, anxiety is kicking in. I had problems breastfeeding jake when paul went back to iraq back in 2009. I'm so afraid that I am going to have a repeat and this time I won't be able to go back to exclusively breastfeeding #2 like I was able to with jake. I had problems because I was stressed but I didn't know. I guess this time I know my body better so I'll start relaxing before paul leaves to go back. I know #2 will be jaundiced (95% of asian babies are) too.

well on another note I was JUST watching a sears commercial and there is a couple with a mom... BABYWEARING her baby in a wrap carrier! LOL. I don't know why but I found that kind of funny and exciting!

girl!

ayeeee. I am so excited. I had our gender ultrasound yesterday and waited till paul got online for to find out! so at 5 am this morning we found out we are having a GIRL!

I am excited, on cloud nine, ecstatic and then guilty! I didn't feel this excited at Jake's gender ultrasound. that time I was blindsided by my emotion. I *thought* i wanted a boy forever. afraid of my own 'non-girlishness' and reflecting my husband's desire for a boy (although I'm pretty sure it wasn't as strong as how I feel about having a girl), I hoped, wished, prayed, for a boy. when the ultrasound tech announced the sex, I felt my spirit leave my body and ask again if she was sure if the baby was a boy. in my mind I didn't even know why I was asking again. why wasn't I happy? I cried in the car, gathered myself and called paul where he did a 'little dance' in Iraq.

I should add, there was no dancing in afghanistan when I told paul #2 was a girl. HA!

also I had this feeling of family 'completeness' that people talk about that came out of nowhere. I've always thought i wanted a big family - at least 4 kids. I even talked to my sister right after the ultrasound about having huge family get together once we settle where all the cousins and aunts, uncles and family friends would gather. I would cook, kids would sleep in sleeping bags on the floor while adults snoozed on the couch... but once I saw that this baby was a girl, I immediately thought that THIS IS IT! I don't have to have anymore kids.

wow I am so full of emotion that I didn't think I was feeling. It is insane but it matters so much and I don't think people should deny it. yea, it is important to me. even much more than I thought. I'm not going to hide behind my emotions. I am so freaking happy that #2 is a girl. doesn't mean that I love him more or less :)