er... what happened to my blog? its messed up...

a quick shout out for everyone that has put up with me the last couple days...

THANKS and I <3 YOU ALL

8 weeks and couple days left...

ugh i thought i was doing so well today. i didn't have to cry to go to sleep last night, i woke up refreshed with only 4 and a half hours of sleep and all day long it went by fine... actually it was kind of entertaining.... pajama day at work, i went for driving practice with john... we had some insightul conversation about driving, rabbits, and his ability to make girls psycho. the only dent in the day was probably steph giving me a hard time for making her pick me up but i don't blame her... like liz says, we were between a rock and a hard place. she was not feeling well but i made her get up this morning and she had a summer meeting to go to. i'm sure she was not happy. i just worked and she left before 8 to go back to bed(and i was a little happy about that).

so all those things aside, i broke down while writing a letter to paul. i also broke down while i was making dinner pretty bad.... i was wondering if i had some how bottled up everything today and it spilled out. my sisters and brother were there to help me through it.... i was so thankful! it might also have been the phone call from BCT (basic combat training aka boot camp) paul had made. he sounded so unsure of himself... i hope he is atleast sure of the decision he made.

i'm at work now.... the room is quiet and seems a bit eerie. paul is on a plane to oklahoma as we speak with a layover in texas. i'm doing much better. work has been keeping me busy. this morning i looked at the clock at 7:50 and before i knew it it was 8:30. paul sent me a pic of his buddies via txt. i think a bit that the phone had spolied me. when i said good bye that should've been it or i think i wouldn't have been so sad. but also the phone has brought me comfort, especially at night when its hard for me to sleep by myself. poor guy probably hasn't had good sleep while at MEPS because i keep calling him. i feel like a little child. its time for me to grow up.

jill has sent me lots of links of stuff i can keep myself busy with (thanks!). i think the point here is to pass the driving test on monday! i failed it on tuesday because i think i was too comfortable with the road, driving like i should AFTER i get my license (you know what i mean). i rolled stops, i didn't look behind in the blind spots sometimes... i was soooo angry at myself for driving like i did! (of course unlike last time the tester didn't say i need more confidence, so i was happy about that). this is kinda funny coming from a girl just two weeks ago was afraid of driving anywhere. i even drove on the freeway already but it was at 5 o'clock on a saturday and not really crowded... it wasn't so bad (haha). i feel dumb and slightly grown up. i wish i took this step sooner and i still have much growing up to do.

my mom got a job yesterday. i really don't know what she is doing but i'm glad she has found her way back from where ever she was (as in the depression after my stepfather's death). i'm excited for her and i told her when i get my license that i will take her out to drink somewhere. she just laughed. she has been supportive in everyway which slightly surprises me... but she always had to a degree (you just can't catch her on a bad day).

things are definately looking up for me. now for paul i don't know... something about a racist commander and cramps when he runs the mile... but i'm sure he will pull through. he says he doesn't know where i can send him mail to yet, but when i find out i'll post the address here and you guys can send him mail too.

i'm surviving. when people use the term heart broken, i know exactly what i means. my heart hurts so much it feels like it might burst. so i do... i cry and after a second my heart releases and i'm ok again. i guess i'm dealing with it. today jessica, keely, kei and lynn came and hung out with me. i made fajitas and lynn made salsa. kei helped me clean the table. too bad mai couldn't come.

its been a good day which started bad. first i slammed my finger in the door on my way out of the complex. i forgot my wallet on the bus, which nixed my plan of getting a coffee drink since i couldn't sleep too much last night. so i was groggy in the morning which i had to sit and wait for the MTA to locate the driver of the bus i was on. and it seems that this PARTICULAR bus changed route 3 times that day making it hard to track. goodness, of all the buses i could be on. they couldn't get a hold of the driver so they advise me to cancel all my cards. so i do. luckily, i have the best supervisor ever. she helped me deal with it at work. she LET me deal with it at work. that made it so much easier.

good news: paul says he might be able to keep his cell at boot camp. he leaves tommorow for oklahoma.

its been such a emtional roller coaster week... i haven't had time to blog. tomorrow paul leaves. i guess after that i'd have all the time in the world to blog for 9 weeks. i'm such a whrilwind of emotion i can't believe. first i'm happy that this will be one of the first steps towards the rest of our lives. second, i'm so sad and so insecure that i've been finding comfort in food. third, i'm angry at myself for being so sad and insecure. i don't want to cry.... but the tears start welling up everytime think about how i will be waking up alone in the morning, or how i won't have anyone to talk to while i'm kicking butt in a hero wars game (or when i'm losing badly), or i won't have someone to ask what we should have for dinner cause i can't decide. i know the first week will be toruture, and i will probably blogging often, or vegging out in front of the computer... no i might not even do that because it would remind me of paul too much. or i might just be fine and dandy.... doing whatever i please. who knows...

its getting closer to the day that paul is leaving. we are feeling it emotionally now... i sometimes have bouts of sadness. he sometimes has small bouts of nervousness. i'm sure that its will go away when he arrives at boot camp. i think its like high school. in middle school we are terrified of what is going to happen to us as freshman... but if you keep your head on straight and if you don't get on anyone's nerves, or if you don't really stand out you can be invisible and get past everything til the year is over. of course we are talking about paul here and i don't think he can do that (heh). he says he is gonna try.... well he prolly will have to try really hard knowing him.

i'm at work right now. today is thursday... my long shift again. i had roscoe's for dinner last night. i brought the left overs for lunch today. i love roscoe's. i think i like the chicken the most. i ordered the country boy, which is three wings and a waffle. i ordered smothered potatoes and macaroni and cheese too... which was definately TOO much food... thats why i have leftovers for lunch. not that i am complaining or anything.

it seems like this time of our life is the make it or break it time for relationships. i guess its because at this time of your life you are deciding if you really do want to stay with this person for the rest of your life or not... and reality sets in... this is not high school anymore, this is adulthood. i am glad that paul has decided that he could spend his life with me... and i feel bad for people who are not lucky as i am. a lot of people have had thier relationship broken in last couple months... i would feel devistated if paul told me this wouldn't work out at this point in my life... i can only imagine. paul says i shouldn't be guilty of what i have... be happy. i am happy. i just want everyone to be happy too.

paul told me that i have "for the good of humanity" complex. i think its more like "for the sake of our children" complex. i'm always crying at the sight of children in need or in situations that they shouldn't be in. i hope that in the next 9~18 weeks that paul is gone i can be independent and act more instead of cry at articles in magazines or spend money at the UNICEF store. anyone interested in joining me?

spring camp is over. i love these camp times when i get to see the kids i haven't seen for months. i had kindergarteners so i had a little problem remembering thier names and they were a little hurt by that. i feel really good that they still remember my name from only 1 week of winter camp. if they were older i would atleast have had them for 10 weeks during summer camp so its not too bad. i would ask what their name was and they wouldn't even tell me. they would pout and say... well i remember YOU from winter camp. they only have to remember 1 name i have to remember 20 to 40. haha. i saw my third graders from summer camp. its funny how i see them grow up! its kinda like we are relatives we only see once in a while. i've been there for 6 years now so i've known some of the older kids since they were in kindergarten (and i've always had second or third grade at summer camp so i have had them in my groups too).

now i am looking forward to those few weeks of summer camp. paul starts training in july so by the time september rolls around there will be a good chance i will not be working there anymore... or would i?

i really love work and i am a little saddned that i might have to leave, but i'm sure i'll find other places to make kids happy...

i've been suckered in again. i absolutely hate world of warcraft but i have a reason to play again.... with KORT (http://www.kortclan.com) i'm on haomarush server (something like that) playing an undead priest. i guess i won't be posting often anymore (hehe)

wedding wise, i still haven't decided where to have it at. everyone has an opinion of course... but i don't know... i want to do something different and still be 'acceptable' to paul's family. that is kinda hard.

three weeks till he leaves. i'm starting to drive. i think its not so bad after all. i don't think i'm afraid of being alone anymore... i think i'm afraid of falling into a habit of slobbiness without him. maybe i'll sit down and play hours and hours of WoW. maybe i'll turn all pale and sickly because i won't leave the house. who knows.