this deployment is 25% over!!!!

YAY!

i am thankful

for my husband who loves me.

even though we say that we don't have lot to say each other, do you realize we have spent about 100 dollars in phone card minutes already?? thank you for walking to the internet cafe and waiting in line everyday to talk to me. you're the one who has made this deployment so much easier. i love you.

for our little boy.

our little pocket of love. you've already changed our lives so much. you're daddy's 'something to look forward to' at the end of deployment (because mommy is not enough! :P). you are one lucky boy to be loved by someone close and someone so far away.

for my family who supports me.

thanks for being there for me. thanks for the emails and the facebook messages. it does make a difference. i am so glad i came back home.

for the animals.

thanks for keeping me warm/hot during the night and not really complaining when i toss and turn.

for my friends.

i've had and new ones i've made. thanks for calling or texting out of the blue. i know i am VERY bad at keeping in touch...

so i asked him this morning about the post from yesterday. he is just worried how he would do after leaving the military in 10, 20 years (which means he is going to reenlist again ^^). he loves the military life so much.

paul told me today that he loves to be in the miltary. he feels like he belongs in it.

then he said... how do i take the military out of me?

then the phone disconnected.

i get to talk to paul everyday yet my heart gets heavier everyday. i'm starting to get nervous about everything... becoming a parent (a 'single' one at that for 6 months) is the big deal. no matter how much people say that we will be good parents it does scare me. how do i deal with my parents? what if this baby is fussy? what if what if what if. i can't get my thoughts straight at all right now. i am going to go down stairs and mediate and center.

paul reenlisted.

i am very happy. i am very happy because i am surviving this deployment better than i thought. i am very happy because i know who he was before and after the army. i am very happy because he asked for a year stabilization in colorado (YES!). i am happy because the way the economy is he has a stable job for another 6 years. i am happy because he is going school again as a 35s (signal collector/analyst). i am happy because we have health care.

but the question is... am i really happy?

my feelings inside are mixed. we are going to have kids. how would it affect the kids? i think thats the only big thing. so in a way i guess i am happy until the kiddo comes along.

http://health.discovery.com/centers/pregnancy/americanbaby/hypnobirth.html

some people have asked me, are you scared of giving birth? honestly, i am not scared of it at all . the consensus seems to be that all the pain is worth it anyway (which since i want to hypnobirth, it won't matter).

i am more scared about what kind of parent i will be.

yes i will be hypnobirthing no matter what my therapist had said. he told me that hypnobirthing won't work on me because i have trust issues... but i trust hypnobirthing and myself to bring jake into this world calmly as possible. it only makes sense. our bodies are miraculous. labor is for getting my body ready to bring jake into this world. its not painful if you surrender to it. if you fight it it'll fight back because you're not letting it do what it was made to do.