its already a month since he left for iraq. its kind of crazy to think about it. i heard that i will all just go down hill from here (doh) and that it'll hit me in a few weeks. i think it already has hit me. i don't think that i would ever be 'normalized'. there will be odd times when he will call, text, or message me. i sit by the computer at a certain time everyday to see if he would message me but he won't. of course he won't because he is in iraq. he is busy doing his job. i am dealing with it.

tomorrow i start work. i am excited to see those kids again. i'm not sure if i would be different. if working with army day care has changed me. these kids are so different. its weird because i did identify with the kids who were at army day care. they identified with me. they cried with me when i told them my husband was deploying just like their dad was. i hugged them when their parents went to NTC because i missed my husband too... but will these children understand if i break down one day because i had not heard from my husband for a week??

i feel awful. so awful. very bad. reason? i got my prenatal pap, and they drew 2 big vials and 3 little vials of blood (i don't think the blood draw has anything to do with it). its worse than morning sickness. its a nasty yuck feeling in my stomach 24/7 (well, its only been 1 day) but its not going away. i have gas like i did before. very bad gas.

i tried to deal with it. i ate. i drank some grape juice (for the sugar). i'm drinking lots of water. i had some caffeine (which actually helped a lot).

i'm tired again. i want to nap.

i think i'm going to go do just that. but... its 10pm. heh. maybe its just time to go to bed...

what i miss the most.

his kiss.
his smell.
his touch.

too bad we can't email that back and forth.

we are so boring!

you're right. paul and i sat at the computer today and we agreed on one thing, that we must be the most boring couple in the world. we are 7000 thousand miles apart and we had nothing really to say each other. no drama, no news, no crazy talk, nothing.

problem is that we are both in limbo. he is stuck in kuwait. he was supposed to ship out to iraq but that has been delayed and he has been doing nothing (he says he will probably be doing nothing in iraq too and i told him then this is good training for him :P). its also hot in kuwait, so even if he wanted to do something i don't think he wants to walk out in the heat. i on the other hand do not have a working vehicle at this time. the truck was leaking oil after the trip so uncle tad is fixing it. i hang out with family, i do my thing (usually go to the farmers market, walk dog in afternoon, walk to starbucks, surf internet, eat, sleep, watch TV, rub belly, play video games...) and that's nothing of news to him. i haven't been emotionally a bent out of shape, baby is doing good so far, and the truth is i feel like its been easier than it should be. again, its only been a couple weeks and it may hit me in a couple months but as of now these last three weeks have felt... weird because i haven't really felt much of what i thought i should be feeling. don't get me wrong, there are some times when i do think of paul because of something. usually its something we did together (farmers market was one), but it came and went away... and i was back there again on saturday.

maybe its because i'm letting myself live and grieve.

today is 9/11.

seven years ago i was actually sitting right where i am now logging on AOL and seeing the headline about the attacks on the world trade center. i turned on the TV and watched in horror as the new york skyline burned and people were being evacuated.

so much has changed since then... and a lot of my life right now is the way it is because of that fateful day seven years ago. paul is a soldier because of 9/11. i am a military wife because of 9/11. there is a war in iraq because of 9/11. paul is fighting in that war because of 9/11.

how fitting it was to go to my father's naturalization ceremony. i saw more than 6,100 people of all ethnicity embrace the US as their country and take the oath of naturalization. i saw another 6,000+ waiting for the next ceremony. the judge cried. she said that she was glad now that this day can have another meaning for her... 9/11 would be a day she mourned the losses of fellow americans and a day that she celebrated the welcoming of more than 18,000 new americans.

it was very emotional for me. although the reasoning of my father gaining US citizenship is not entirely patriotic, it made me appreciate what i've had all along. it made me think of paul, gloria, and steve. it made me think of why paul joined the army. it made me think of why we made this decision together although it may put him in harms way. it made me even MORE proud of him.

i remember someone saying on a japanese program that the US is the only country where we can go in and visit where the president lives (technically). we can openly protest a war we don't agree with without feeling the pressure to agree with the government. you can start with nothing but have all you hope for with hard work in this country.

this country is so great.

its kinda funny. it just hit me that we are going to be parents, and i felt a little panicky inside. maybe its because paul is not here but i wondered how i would be as a single parent. *most* people who know *us* would agree *we* would be at least a 7 on a 1-10 scale (hopefully? haha), but what about me... just myself? i often look to paul for reassurance about EVERYTHING. things from what i should eat for lunch (he usually says, whatever you want when i want to know what he wants lol), i reach for his arm when i am hiking down a slippery slope, and i ask his opinion on if i look 'fat' or 'pregnant' (hehe). then i got really sad and stopped thinking about it. its already been 2 weeks since he left. i missed his text at 5am this morning. i wish he would log on to tell me everything will be alright and that he knows that i would be a wonderful mom while he is gone.

military spouses' murphy's law

when your spouse leaves for a deployment the things that can go wrong, will.