reading my posts i realize my english sucks major balls. i don't know if i can improve it.

i need help...

bleh. so richard never called me back so i didn't go eat. i think it was some kind of divine intervention. maybe my stomach is happier for it. heh. so paul's mom called. she is coming to the graduation!! i'm realy happy to hear that. i think (although i KNOW he wouldn't admit it) it will mean something to him. he thinks that his mom isn't happy with him at all, but i think her being there will show him that she is still proud of him. so i am looking forward to everything in less than four weeks. i don't know. it is when it all comes together. my parents and his parents too. i am a bit worried... but i guess its all cool. just like scyan said, fuck em. it doesn't matter what other people think. just be yourself. heh yea right. only if i was that easy.

so i can't believe i have survived 8 weeks. of course i wish everything had gone according to plan, then he would be graduating next week... but everything happens for a reason... and i am happy. who knows maybe he would have had a tougher time...

lol my dad is alseep in his chair at the table.

well thats all i need to go to bed.

hoping hoping hoping hoping....

grrr... i am so bummed. paul did not call last sunday so i have no clue what is going on. i don't know how his PT test went. from what i think... and the lack of a call... probably not good. i am so sadden to even think anything about him. i never thought a phone call can affect me this way... on sunday i thought the whole week is just going to be HORRIBLE. i thought that i wouldn't be able to focus on work and i would just want to be holed up somewhere and just cry that i am worried to death about the outcome of his traning... but all i can do is hope for the best, and keep him encouraged. its so hard to do that. its so hard to keep my chin up when i feel so down.

fortunately, the week has been good. work is good. the kids are great. allan is a great partner.

i went to dinner with paul's mom and she explained to me they reason why she is not angry at paul... and it made so much sense. she said that there are people out there with degrees that aren't doing what they love but they do it for the paycheck, but paul has overcome many obstacles to do what he wants to do. there was the ASBAV... he had to score a 96 out of 99. and since he scored a 98 out of 99, that gave him an opportunity to get ANY job in the army and he chose to fly UAVs. so it must be something he really wants to do. and it wasn't easy to even apply for this job. he needed to pass his physical. he needed security clearence. he needs to pass basic traning. he needed to have the courage to even sign up. he has done all this to get to where he is. if this is truly what he loves then so be it. i was glad she thought that way. i just wish she could tell paul what she told me.

going to buffet with richard again. my stomach is growling.

"Reporting in the June 23 issue of their Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report..."

ok so i decided that i use this post to do some deep thinking. i don't think i have had the need to do that recently because i have been doing a lot of that while i've been writing to paul... but here it is.

on love:

i don't understand why some people make love so complicated then it really is. there isn't much to it really. you coexist by being yourselves. you can not ever be happy being someone you are not. if you change to impress your significant other or to have that person's attention, then its not worth it. if you are trying to change your significant other because you don't like a certain part of him/her, then its not worth it.

good communication is a must also. also to be open to the others opinions. for instance, when i sent paul a picture of me with my new glasses, he just bluntly told me that i look dorky in those glasses. i was a little hurt by that comment but the more i think about it, i do look dorky in them. now i can do two things. 1, be angry at him because he did hurt my feelings and hold grudges or 2, just accept that he thinks so but i can't do anything about it so let him have his say... and know there will be a day i would voice my opinion and hopefully that he takes it well as i do. some people might tell me that he shouldn't have made such a comment, but i'm glad he did, because if it came from anyone else i might have been devastated, but since it came from someone i love and truly trust, i realized that... well, maybe they might be telling the truth.

with that comes letting go. letting go of your feeling towards their faults. even letting go of your own feeling towards your need sometimes.

if you feel like noone can ever love you, then you are not in love with yourself. you need to love yourself before you can truly give yourself to someone else.

fin

i must be the most boring person in the world or the most oblivious to anything going on in the world. er big news of the day today... went to chinese buffet with richard and had a good time. also i almost ate it at a left turn thanks to him, but i remembered to stop, which made me happy because i wasn't sure about my reflexes, which seem to be working fine (haha). i've been busy with summer... since the late day start i have no time really to do anything online in general. even my letter writing have gone to pits... poor paul. the funny thing is that i guess my comics and stuff i have sent him have gotten popular amongst his platoonmates, and so now i need to send more of them. i'm working on it.

bleh. i can drive now and its boring. every morning i saw people, interacted with the bus driver and my starbucks barista (who knows my drink the way i like it), walked a lot... but now i am in my little universe, quick to come and go. i don't know. i'm beginning o miss taking the bus. on the other hand, i can't take the bus to rancho del mar, and i am glad that i can drive.

so i received a letter from paul. he wants me to move to him as soon as possible.

I am 65% Video Game Addict.
" ' test.aspx?id='8e96c313-3139-49c8-8f49-e0bdc433137a"' www.fuali.com http:>"

Take the
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@ FualiDotCom

congrats jill and shyam...

i knew when i got my license i would have no time to blog or do any sit-on-my-ass-and-face-the-computer type things... i haven't played WoW in a while and i haven't been blogging. i haven't even written that much either. guilty guilty guilty. so with my 4~5 days of driving experience, i was already confident enough to think about driving up to sonoma for jill's wedding party... but i decided against it because i have a staff meeting (gah) and i hope to fly up there next weekend. i got the pics up from the staff party on friday if anyone wants to see them they are on my flickr .

paul called again! this time he called during dinner time so he got to talk to the whole family. i must have sounded a bit horrible i asked him why he is calling (because he hardly ever gets to call). a call on saturday was unexpected. he told me that his platoon did great in the tear gas chamber today and they were having 2 hours free time while the other platoons got smoked.

i was estatic, speaking at a mile a minute til i ran out of things to say. we don't say much anyway. we know and understand each other and the way we think. i don't need to tell him that i love him or that i miss him since he knows. i guess we are very comfortable in the relationship that we don't need affrimation of love and trust. on the forums i visit there are girls who always have trust issues and such and its not all their fault. when those things come up i have no clue what to say since i haven't felt those kind of feelings. i could only imagine that it is terrible to hear that your significant other is cheating, or to think that you don't love him the way you did, etc. etc.

i went to see over the hedge today. it was so awesome. i loved it. the comic was on my must read comic list when we used to get the paper. i recommend it for kids although its a bit violent, its hilarious violent. go see it.

paul called today and we talked for 10 mintues! that was a surprise... i mean i didn't expect a call from him on a weekday, let alone for 10 freaking minutes. i'm on cloud nine. on the second call i broke down. i miss him so much.... especially lately. i see him everywhere and often get a little sad. i don't know why. maybe my feelings are catching up to me.

from the military issued girlfriends website:

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that... Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar will wear something red... By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who! loves this country will share this with acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family. It will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on. The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is... We need your support and your prayers. Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example; and wear some thing red every Friday.

IF YOU AGREE -- THEN SEND THIS ONIF YOU COULD CARE LESS THEN HIT THE DELETE BUTTON --- IT IS YOUR CHOICE. WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE.THEIR BLOOD RUNS RED---- SO WEAR RED! --- MAY GOD HELP AMERICA TO BECOME ONE NATION, UNDER GOD.

i am personally against war but i support our troops. so i will be wearing red tommorrow.

here is my personal opinion though. first, i think war is wrong in general. it hurts the world. it hurts the mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, and children left at home and iraqis alike. it hurts people who have lost people they knew. its just a game big kids play and pay with their lives. i think that we should just duel it out face to face. 1 representive from both sides duel it out, whether its guns or knives or hand to hand. winner is the winner of the conflict. i mean how much less suffering would there be if just 1 person actually did the fighting? not the grunts. wait... mabe best out of 7. or something like that. if there are multiple parties involved, there will be a playoff. bracket picked by lottery... but i know it deosn't work that way.