its been 2 months since he left. i just want to curl up and sleep the rest of the months till march. at which point i won't be doing much of sleeping anymore.

maybe i am a bear... since i'm done hiking its time to hibernate.

the days are getting slower for sure. the first month went by so fast. now i am lagging everyday seems to get longer even when i have work. maybe its because i haven't heard from him regularly like i usually do. he is in kalsu right now and waiting for a flight back. it can be at anytime. so we are waiting.

i feel bad for paul. everyone is SO happy that he doesn't really have to do much... and because of that he is the most unhappy person in the planet. i feel like thats been his life so far. i hate how i have to explain that to everyone. some people DO like to work, do things and EARN a living. thats why I work, and at work hell yes i work. i don't just sit around and do nothing. i earn my pay by playing with the kids... just like paul wants to earn a living being a soldier, not a piece of blob sittin there dressed like a soilder.

i feel like maybe i am an anchor. what if i didn't come along? what if he did what he wanted to do.... not what he thought would be good for us. what if he did join the marines after high school? well i guess we can't turn back time.

i want to tell him, oh go ahead go out there, be all that you can be (heh). i know he won't.

i find myself posting more often to the baby blog.

http://babyyoshimoto.blogspot.com

i am never the type to ask people to give me anything. so weddings and baby showers make me very nervous... do people feel obligated to give? do people feel nervous if they can't find anything they can afford on the registry? i am glad that we didn't have a huge wedding with a registry and this and that. some people say that i should have a wedding reception to get gifts, but i don't feel thats necessary at all. paul and i have everything we need or want... each other, a little boy on the way, friends here and there, and of course internet and our own computers. :X

for my birthday i asked everyone to donate to a charity instead of giving a gift to me. i have everything i need, i never really want anything... so i rather have people come to party either way.

so i am stressing about the baby shower... i mean its still quite a ways off but i don't understand the idea of it all. do any of you feel obligated to give a gift? can someone help me out?

i feel weird. i don't feel pregnant at all. maybe a little tired (i fell asleep at 5:15 today) but other than that sometimes i forget (except the fact that i don't fit in any of my clothes... lol) that i am pregnant! i feel like i'm ready to take on the world....

vent:

no, i DO NOT want to hear how 'really bad' it is over there because at the moment is not bad at all. don't tell me how it is over there because my husband chose the right MOS.... if you don't know what he does then you don't know how it is in iraq for him. he doesn't have it that bad over there. don't tell me otherwise.

DON'T tell me what you see on the news (which, news stations can suck my balls if i had any). which is BIAS because they need YOU to watch the news. if they reported about how STB is just sitting on their ass until the polish army leaves at the moment, you wouldn't be watching it (which by the way, is only semi true but you get my point).

no, DO NOT want to hear about how life must suck because we are apart. i KNOW what the army life is like and its not as bad as you think. obviously you wouldn't hear anything from people who happen to be HAPPY with the army. its not like they hide the fact that we are going to spend some time apart!! the army DOES have cool programs that you can take part of. its just like nicole's magnet. GET A LIFE. volunteer, find a hobby, make friends, etc. you just need to stop sulking, suck it up and be determined to live the life you have fully.

no, i DO NOT want to hear about how its too bad that he is missing the pregnancy. you guys don't think we thought this through before we decided to have this baby?

goodness sakes, don't take me as a fool.

i am an army wife. thats what i am and thats what i chose to be. don't you feel sorry for me, feel sorry for someone else who didn't CHOOSE the life they are living now (aka people with illness, people who have suffered a loss, people with disabilities, etc.)

i am angry that everyone just has to remind me of all the negative... because thats not how i think, thats not how i want to think so if you don't have anything positive to say to me, please fuck off.

today i didn't feel well after giving a little bit of blood for a test so i stayed home from work. i realized what a life saver work really is. i sat here for three hours waiting for paul to email me, which seems like he won't today for whatever reason (he needs to use his work email). although i can't reply to him, i love coming home from work to check my email and see if he had sent me something. its so much better than waiting three hours for nothing.

day at a time.

each day that passes, is another day closer for you to come home.