paul left for the field last week. i hate it because i know he is misrable out there. i don't know what to say when he tells me that he has been on his feet for 12 hours straight washing dishes. this kind of bullshit is not what he signed up to do but i guess yea, the army does own your ass.

its kind of crazy how much i miss him when he is gone. i'm scared of when i will lose him forever. what's keeping me afloat is the fact that he will be back for valentines for his MRA and in 2 more weeks this will be over. even deployment there is a return date. what if he dies? being the one who is always planning things waaaaay ahead i am wondering what would happen to me if i would lose paul forever. its so gutwrenching i can't imagine, yet my mind goes through the motions. would i be so depressed i wouldn't be able to get up? would i have kids? would i have grown kids that will come to my side like his dad did for his mom? will i have someone taking care of me?

its so morbid but i can not stop thinking about it. more so that he is gone.

i seriously feel like i'm not who i meant to be. i was happy being with children, i was happy doing what i do best. now i don't think i can be happy doing what i was happy doing before.

this was just two days ago... i'm kind of shocked that i wrote this. i just came home from my first day of work since being sent home. i am completely happy where i am! i went back to work and i missed everyone. i LOVE my coworkers. i LOVE the children. i am ecstatic. i also feel like i can manage my stress better from all the help i've been getting. i feel like a new, better person. i am finally coming face to face with the positives from my negative experiences.

i believe that everyone needs a little therapy. not with a psychologist or anything like that, but a little therapy to help you along the way.