2007

ring in the new year
we've been together for 7 years
we turn 26 years old
we celebrate our 1 year anniversary
paul finally graduates AIT
i quit my job
we move to colorado
i get pregnant
i lose the baby
i fight depression for a couple months
i find a new job
i find another job
paul is hospitalized for 'stroke like' symptoms
paul is diagnosed with a bad case of migranes
i am diagnosed with retinal detachment
i have eye surgery
paul is notified his fight status is in jeopardy
i get pregnant again
1 lose the baby again
i am diagnosed with anxiety

2008...

i have completely forgotten that its the holidays. just staying home and relaxing have just put all the days into a blur. its not like i haven't been stuck at home all day either. i've had appointments, court dates, and frg stuff... but it just doesn't feel like the holidays.

i thought i had printed our holiday pics only to find out that... the order did't go in at walgreens. i had been stressing out to get them out in time but i guess now they won't be.

boo.

0300.

i can't sleep because i've been sleeping all day.

yay.

everyone is usually grieving about something whether is something small like a missed opportunity, something important that was lost, or a broken heart. it builds a wall of grief with your emotion locked behind it. it just sits there just building and building until something catastrophic happens which makes the wall collapse and all the emotion you've compounded behind that wall comes gushing out. it is destructive like water from a broken dam. it knocks down everything in its path splintering trees, picking up large boulders, swallowing everything in sight.

with that creates a stream and a new habitat. a more natural one, for the water now is flowing like it should. there is a sense of calm as the water returns.

my first tshirt design

http://www.cafepress.com/gamergrrlshop/

some charity to give to this holiday season...

http://www.childsplaycharity.org

my two favorite things: gaming and children!

help children who are ill by donating to the gamers' charity child's play. this charity stocks up children's hospitals in your area with video games to help ease the physical/emotional/psychological impact of long term hospitalizations.

at least its not iraq.

i hear this a lot. i hate to hear that. i sometimes want to punch people in the face when they say that.

he is a soldier. i am a military wife. we made the decision to "join the army" together (indeed, being a military wife is very much being part of the army. most of our jobs are volunteer but very important. we are the support group when our men are deployed). don't people understand that we knew exactly what we were getting into when we decided this is the life we want? when he said "i am thinking about joining the army" i knew that we would not be able to see each other for a while. before he signed on that dotted line i knew that it would be nights alone in bed.


why tell me that its a good thing that he is not doing his job.

would you tell a teacher "at least you're not teaching."?

its warming up aka its not below freezing now... temps hit about 38 today and the snow was sort of melting. its back to 17 degrees now.

i'm listening to paul talking in his sleep. i love him so much.

applebees.

waitress is 8 months pregnant with the same due date.

meltdown.

there are 355 other days in a year.

why? why that date?

a sign?

ugh.

we went to build a bear and we built a baby bear. we made champ, a bear with patches to donate a dollar to help fight childhood illnesses. we put 2 hearts in there, again another donation to a childhood cause.

so some nosy ass lady behind me asks me, why two hearts??

it seemed like someone was sending me a message. why just two hearts?? i don't know.

grieving... but for how long?

i am so lost and there are no right answers. i am full of anger, guilt, and sadness. i can feel like i never want to go back to work. they would ask me questions. there are people who are pregnant there. there are people who say that they have gone through what i have... but so what? i don't know. thats all i've been saying since the day i lost number two. i have no clue anymore. what does this all mean?? why would it happen? its it something in the air? in the water?? ugh. i am so lost. even paul has no clue, he has begun to believe in the not so logical, like lets get a cat like your mom said, or lets not buy that book next time. how can a cat or not buying a book prevent me from having a miscarriage anyway??

another loss. 6weeks and 5days. as heart wrenching as it is its not all that shocking. it came slowly. first the spotting, then the bleeding, then the trip to the ER, the ultrasound, and the sad truth. there was no embryo. no heartbeat. no hope for now... until next month anyway and perhaps i will have to wait till the month after that. its worse for the ones who can not even see that pink line, plus, or the pregnant there on the fancy pregnancy tests. its worse for the ones who are told you will probably never have children. for me there is next month again and the month after that. i will pray. pray for that little one we need to hold.