we went to build a bear and we built a baby bear. we made champ, a bear with patches to donate a dollar to help fight childhood illnesses. we put 2 hearts in there, again another donation to a childhood cause.

so some nosy ass lady behind me asks me, why two hearts??

it seemed like someone was sending me a message. why just two hearts?? i don't know.

grieving... but for how long?

i am so lost and there are no right answers. i am full of anger, guilt, and sadness. i can feel like i never want to go back to work. they would ask me questions. there are people who are pregnant there. there are people who say that they have gone through what i have... but so what? i don't know. thats all i've been saying since the day i lost number two. i have no clue anymore. what does this all mean?? why would it happen? its it something in the air? in the water?? ugh. i am so lost. even paul has no clue, he has begun to believe in the not so logical, like lets get a cat like your mom said, or lets not buy that book next time. how can a cat or not buying a book prevent me from having a miscarriage anyway??