i am seriously afraid of becoming a parent. i feel like birthing is the easy part. its only for a few hours... but in those few hours my whole life will change. i will be tired. i may feel inadequate when breastfeeding may not go the way i want. i may feel overwhelmed when paul goes back to iraq. i may feel suffocated by my family. i may feel... all of that and maybe much more.

i am so afraid.

i guess i'm afraid because i feel like my family is not there for me, but for jake. obviously i need to be there for jake, but for me to be there for jake, my family needs to be there for me. its a valid point auntie joy had made. yet all i hear from there are, how is jake doing? i'm going to take care of jake because you won't be able to move for two weeks. omg jake is going to be here soon, jake this and jake that. it was funny, but not funny anymore.


am i jealous? yes. i am jealous because when he gets here i KNOW i am probably going to need help... yet i can see it in the conversations that they have with me, that thats not what they are interested in. maybe they are and they are just excited about the new addition. but sorry, the first few weeks all i require of you all is probably to do the laundry and do more laundry because if he is anything like his father i will be feeding him every hour of the day. maybe i will need you to go walk the dog. maybe i will need for you to just leave me alone while i go on a hormonal down trip? how am i supposed to feel ok about asking you to do these things for ME when all you care about is jake jake jake?

thats why i am intent on doing things MY WAY. if its not done MY WAY, it wouldn't be done at all. so don't worry. until you guys decide that you are going to help ME, i will do whatever i want. not what YOU guys want me to do for you.