october is almost here. every month that passes i get so angry. in january we would have been parents. i can't believe it. that would've been only 4 months from now. we would have known if we were going to have little jake or little lilia.

until now i was using my eye as an excuse. excuse to make it seem justified.... in reality its not. i want my baby back i don't care about my eye. i want it to be here in four months. i want to hold it, feed it, change it, wake up as many times as it needs me in the middle of the night.... but it won't be. now i need to wait again, try again....

trying again is the hard part. everytime it doesn't happen i'm devastated. i hate myself. why isn't it happening? what are we doing wrong? am i not taking care of myself? its so hard trying not to stress out about it.

every month without baby is another month paul won't be able to spend with it come deployment time... thats is the hardest part of all.