i went up north and had a blast. i went to the glamour closet with jillie and walked around SF and hit the stores. i'm starting to feel the groove of planning this wedding thing i'm starting to get excited and scared hoping that i do everything picture perfect (for everyone elses sake ^^).

i also met saw paul's great aunt in the nursing home and needed to blog about some feelings i have regarding getting old and what i see in my future and how i am totally scared of it.. i've written like 5 drafts of this blog post and niether one of them sounded right. i feel really guilty of feeling that way because i don't know if that might reflect on what i think about my grandmother or my mother getting old.

my feelings about my last years of life:
i'm scared of getting old. i wish that there could be a point where i could say that i've had enough of life and basically end it with out causing so much trouble or ill feelings. i don't want to be a burden to my family. now of course if they don't mind taking care of me that's fine with me. its just i wouldn't want my family to fight over who needs to change my diaper, help me go to the bathroom, pay for my medical bills etc. etc. i rather be dead.

i don't want to be what people call a 'vegetable'. i hope that my sons and or daughters can remember me as a active person full of life, not in some vegetated state in a bed. there are obviously people who are opposed to my position and i want to hear from them how can i be comfortable having someone else take care of me later in life.